The Groundhog’s Tale, a Conversation via Text

I had a sort of run in with a groundhog …

Lol. Funny. Not funny. But yet….

Not funny. He menaced me with a hulking stare.

Have you seen groundhogs?

On your driveway? By your door?

They hulk.

And they lumber.

Especially when on two feet.

I yelled. He looked.

I waved. He winked.

Seriously!

Can an animal with closed eyes wink?

He did. I’m sure of it.

I started sweating.

He looked ready for a fancy ball, although slightly tipsy.

He wasn’t a staggering drunk. For that I would have screamed “rabies!” and cowered inside waiting for a big strong man with a shotgun.

Omg you need to post this

I don’t do guns. I’d accidentally shoot myself.

And I’m philosophically opposed to big strong men coming to my rescue.

It was traumatizing!

He probably got hit by a car and was silently begging me to save him.

A potentially magical moment with wildlife and I blow it!

But all I could think was “This is weird. They don’t act like this.”

I told the Youngest “If he charges, kick him!”

She said “I’m wearing flip flops.”

Darn kid. Now I might have to wreck MY shoes and I sure as hell don’t want to be known as the lady who drop-kicked a groundhog just because he begged for help!

I had to leave for work.

There is no win here. He’s still on my driveway. By now he’s probably knocking on the door.

Next up? Oldest will try to train him.

Then I’ll get in trouble for leaving my child prey to a rabid rodent.

This will not do!

See?? No win.

Omg dying

Where’s Elmer Fudd when you need him?

Ok not a good example. The rodent would be raiding the refrigerator.

Hhhm. Now what?!

Maybe I ought to post it. That’s positive action.

You should.

Except…all the social media people always trying to save the “abandoned” baby animals.

Next thing they’ll be on my doorstep with tiny cups of water and groundhog treats…

Whatever the hell those are.

Then they’ll be all judgy, because a heartless woman who didn’t save a distressed baby-like creature must SURELY invite them in for tea.

And I haven’t dusted!!!

And I don’t have any damn tea.

Seriously laughing so hard and drinking bloody Mary’s

Boarding the plane

Much luck to you and the groundhog

Have fun with the Marys.

And bite me. ;-)

People are watching me laugh at my phone

My job is done.

Later that evening…

Sadly, “Phil” is no more. Found him, paws up, gazing into eternity.

When’s the funeral?

I refuse to take emotional responsibility for a groundhog!

I’ve heard about boundaries, you know.

This seems an appropriate time to exercise them.

Besides. Feeling guilty. Maybe he really was asking for help.

How can I ignore him and then hold services for him? He might see that as gloating and then where would I be?

Haunted by a giant rodent. No thanks.

Darn. Now I have to hold a funeral, don’t I?

These talks suck.

He winked at you!!

Viking funeral. Make him a hat.

The guilt! Maybe he just blinked.

A hat?! A Viking hat?? I thought it had to be a burning boat! With quarters on his eyes.

He can be a Roman Viking Rodent King.

Except I don’t have a river. Just a lake with dirt in it.

Where are MY Bloody Marys?

Lake is good. Small paper hat.

Pennies

OK, pennies. But I owe him, so quarters. Come on, keep up!!

Besides, I don’t believe Romans had quarters or pennies. They used Roman coins.

Don’t know what they were. I should look it up.

Omg you need to blog

Turns out there was an earlier ritual.

The coin was placed under the tongue.

I’m NOT doing that!! Wink or no wink.

Where do you find this stuff?

Seriously. How does one blog such a thing?! And who would read it?? And how could I top a winking groundhog?

Well I read it out loud to a friend and she just about died laughing. She said “that woman needs to blog”.

Even Later…

Apparently dead groundhogs send inaudible signals to cats who now MUST be outside.

Howl

No way is THAT happening.

I never found a boat. Or a river.

And I’m not wasting 50 cents on a groundhog, even if he did wink at me.

So he lies there. Bereft, bewildered and decidedly dead.

And I’m in the house fighting cats, because I’m apparently the only one who doesn’t sleep around here.

And I think the invisi-fleas turned visi. Except they morphed into giant mosquitoes.

Thank goodness. I didn’t want to relive that chapter of life.

Uh oh. What if groundhogs have fleas?

I’ll bet they’re mega-visi. And they probably march.

Crap.

I can feel their tiny legs, marching, marching.

Double crap.

Should have found a boat.

A day later…

Mom says my life is never boring.

Lolololol

What adventures today?

All is quiet so far.

Whew

Much, much, later…

Turns out if you ignore a dead groundhog for 7 days, he disappears!

Who knew?!

Passive delegation works.

Hashtag lawndad needs a raise.